Newbies to the mountains often have a lot of questions about moving here. Some have more questions than others. Some have way way more questions than others. Some never stop asking questions. In an effort to shortcut the path to Mountain Folk Smarts, here's a list of typical questions newbie's might ask, with answers. Note: You have not paid for this advice...and therefore it may be worth what you paid.
How do I poop in the mountains?
I don't know. How do you do it in the flatlands? Standing up? I doubt it. Just do it the same way and you'll be fine. But watch out for the "Altitude Bonus" that you might experience, especially after eating at Del Taco down the hill before driving up. Altitude will cause an expansion of gasses in your gut, which may exit explosively upon pooping. The kids will love this on the drive up the 18. Your spouse may not.
Someone stole my tires. What do I do?
This is not an uncommon problem in the mountains, especially towards springtime when locals are trying to replace tires damaged by excessive spinning on snow while chains are installed. Just become a true Local Mountain Folk. True locals don't need tires anymore than they need teeth. You can easily drive between your cabin and the liquor store on rims or even brake pads if you don't go too fast.
Speaking of teeth, where can I find a good dentist up here?
Now THAT is a funny question. Look around...does it look like dentists can make a living in the mountains?
What is all the yellow powder?
Some ignorant college educated liberals will try and tell you the yellow powder is pollen. Don't believe them. Live here long enough and you'll know what it is. It's...contrails. That's right...contrails. From the government. Contrails. Mind control contrails. What was the question? I can't remember.
How come there isn't a Del Taco on the mountain?
Too upscale. Previous attempts to bring higher class restaurants to the mountain have failed. There just aren't enough people who appreciate quality food and are willing to pay for it.
Where can I go to get liquor at midnight?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Next to the Del Taco down the hill. It'll cost you. I always had to buy twice what I needed just so I'd have something to do on the drive back up.
Why is it sometimes so foggy in the mountains?
That's a side effect from the Yellow Powder. Technically, I think it's because they use a nasal dispersant in the powder that reacts to low temps. Don't worry, it's just pollen.
Do I need to lock my doors up here?
There isn't really all that much crime in the mountains. The thing you have to watch out for are cannibals. Nobody talks about it much, but it's a big problem. Cannibals. You know those religious nuts who knock on your door early Saturday mornings? Yeah. Cannibals.
Someone is stealing my gas, what do I do?
You got neighbors? Steal it back. Sharing gas is a basic Mountain Folk custom. Everyone does it.
Why aren't the local weathermen ever right about the weather?
They are. Just read what they say, and expect the opposite. Besides, that's not really their function. Those dudes are here to provide excitement and entertainment on ROTW. And wow, when they get going...it's GOOD.
How long after it snows before they plow my road?
HAHAHAHAH! Another great question. It really depends on how much you like to post on ROTW. If you like to complain about stuff a lot, it seems to take a long long time for your road to get plowed. At least, that's the way it seems if you read ROTW after a snowstorm.
How do I get rid of gophers?
FOR SALE: slightly used 20 Megaton ThermoNuclear Warhead, without rocket. Detonation codes included. (This device will also get rid of raccoons in an attic. Best offer takes it.