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Thread: How to POOP in the Mountains

  1. #1
    Has Proven That I Have No Life Outside Of ROTW architect's Avatar
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    How to POOP in the Mountains

    Newbies to the mountains often have a lot of questions about moving here. Some have more questions than others. Some have way way more questions than others. Some never stop asking questions. In an effort to shortcut the path to Mountain Folk Smarts, here's a list of typical questions newbie's might ask, with answers. Note: You have not paid for this advice...and therefore it may be worth what you paid.

    How do I poop in the mountains?
    I don't know. How do you do it in the flatlands? Standing up? I doubt it. Just do it the same way and you'll be fine. But watch out for the "Altitude Bonus" that you might experience, especially after eating at Del Taco down the hill before driving up. Altitude will cause an expansion of gasses in your gut, which may exit explosively upon pooping. The kids will love this on the drive up the 18. Your spouse may not.

    Someone stole my tires. What do I do?
    This is not an uncommon problem in the mountains, especially towards springtime when locals are trying to replace tires damaged by excessive spinning on snow while chains are installed. Just become a true Local Mountain Folk. True locals don't need tires anymore than they need teeth. You can easily drive between your cabin and the liquor store on rims or even brake pads if you don't go too fast.

    Speaking of teeth, where can I find a good dentist up here?
    Now THAT is a funny question. Look around...does it look like dentists can make a living in the mountains?

    What is all the yellow powder?
    Some ignorant college educated liberals will try and tell you the yellow powder is pollen. Don't believe them. Live here long enough and you'll know what it is. It's...contrails. That's right...contrails. From the government. Contrails. Mind control contrails. What was the question? I can't remember.

    How come there isn't a Del Taco on the mountain?
    Too upscale. Previous attempts to bring higher class restaurants to the mountain have failed. There just aren't enough people who appreciate quality food and are willing to pay for it.

    Where can I go to get liquor at midnight?
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Next to the Del Taco down the hill. It'll cost you. I always had to buy twice what I needed just so I'd have something to do on the drive back up.

    Why is it sometimes so foggy in the mountains?
    That's a side effect from the Yellow Powder. Technically, I think it's because they use a nasal dispersant in the powder that reacts to low temps. Don't worry, it's just pollen.

    Do I need to lock my doors up here?
    There isn't really all that much crime in the mountains. The thing you have to watch out for are cannibals. Nobody talks about it much, but it's a big problem. Cannibals. You know those religious nuts who knock on your door early Saturday mornings? Yeah. Cannibals.

    Someone is stealing my gas, what do I do?
    You got neighbors? Steal it back. Sharing gas is a basic Mountain Folk custom. Everyone does it.

    Why aren't the local weathermen ever right about the weather?
    They are. Just read what they say, and expect the opposite. Besides, that's not really their function. Those dudes are here to provide excitement and entertainment on ROTW. And wow, when they get going...it's GOOD.

    How long after it snows before they plow my road?
    HAHAHAHAH! Another great question. It really depends on how much you like to post on ROTW. If you like to complain about stuff a lot, it seems to take a long long time for your road to get plowed. At least, that's the way it seems if you read ROTW after a snowstorm.

    How do I get rid of gophers?
    FOR SALE: slightly used 20 Megaton ThermoNuclear Warhead, without rocket. Detonation codes included. (This device will also get rid of raccoons in an attic. Best offer takes it.

  2. #2
    Old Timer PapaOwl's Avatar
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    Where do cats toilet in the mountains?
    One who attempts nothing will probably achieve it.

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    Junior Pontificator Joebozo's Avatar
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    That about sums it up. Hopefully it will put and end once and for all to all newbie questions.

    Except, of course:

    What's the best cell phone provider?
    That dog is driving me crazy, what can I do?
    Who the heck is RONCPP and why does he piss off so many people on here?
    Where can I get some weed?
    What should I do if I'm going for walk around Lake Gregory and I find:
    a: Graffiti
    b: Huge footprints
    c: A poopy cat
    d: thousands of dead, stinking carp

    What should I do?
    Last edited by Joebozo; 11-13-2013 at 02:25 PM.

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    Has Proven That I Have No Life Outside Of ROTW architect's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PapaOwl View Post
    Where do cats toilet in the mountains?
    My sand box. Which brings up a good point. Never build a sandbox for your kids in the mountains. I don't care how man feral cats you shoot, there will always be more. They must breed like rabbits. And the'll foul your sandbox.

  5. #5
    Has Proven That I Have No Life Outside Of ROTW architect's Avatar
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    Uh oh. Maybe I shouldn't of posted about cats.

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    Has Proven That I Have No Life Outside Of ROTW architect's Avatar
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    That about sums it up. Hopefully it will put and end once and for all to all newbie questions.

    Except, of course:

    What's the best cell phone provider?

    Get rid of the damn cell phone. You moved to the mountains to get away from all that. Embrace silence. All you need up here is that unemployment check...or disability check if you are one of the lucky ones.

    That dog is driving me crazy, what can I do?
    Set it free. It's awful when people keep dogs penned up all day. Set it free. Let it roam. It'll stop barking and hopefully meet new friends in the forest and your problem will be solved.

    Who the heck is RONCPP and why does he piss of so many people on here?
    He is...er....was...the second most prolific ROTW poster. Now he's just a loser who scrabbles together a living installing chains on the 18.

    Where can I get some weed?
    Duh. latte. He's made that clear.

    What shoudl I do if I'm going for walk around LAke Gregory and I find:
    a: Graffiti
    b: Huge footprints
    c: A poopy cat
    d: thousands of dead, stinking carp

    What should I do?

    What the hell are you doing walking around Lake Gregory when you could be walking around Lake Arrowhead. You have my invitation. I don't live there anymore so I don't care if you losers go there. The keycode is 6744. Bring your dogs.
    Last edited by architect; 11-13-2013 at 02:36 PM.

  7. #7
    Old Timer Forget_Me_Not's Avatar
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    How funny, but you did forget, " Is there school tomorrow?"
    I'm Fine, But the Rest Of You Need Therapy

  8. #8
    Has Proven That I Have No Life Outside Of ROTW architect's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Forget_Me_Not View Post
    How funny, but you did forget, " Is there school tomorrow?"
    Is there school tomorrow?
    The answer to this is entirely dependent on how badly you as a parent want there to be school tomorrow. It has nothing to do with the weather. Although in general if three snowflakes have fallen, there will be no school. For a week.

  9. #9
    Old Timer InDaDoghouse's Avatar
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    But, will I need chains on February 7th?

  10. #10
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    I thought the most pressing issue was all these visitors who come up here?

    I mean jeesh, the yellow powder must attract them, the sand boxes for the ferals, the gophers, the opportunity to steal gas and tires, the list is endless as Arch has pointed out!

    What are we to do?
    "Don't believe everything you read on the internet" - Abraham Lincoln
    "Don't let your mind wander - its too small to be out on its own" - His Honour Judge Nash, A Canterbury Crown Court Judge

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